You just can’t go running without spending serious cash on Trainers…

One important thing to note at this point is that a running shoe is not the same as the trainers you pick up from most high street stores.

A lot of the major brands (Adidias, Nike etc.) do make good running shoes, however a lot of their products are purely designed to pose. Be very careful not to assume that because they call it a trainer it is suitable for serious running

First stop Scottishsport.co.uk. Don’t ask me why, it just was.

http://www.scottishsport.co.uk/running/trainers.htm

Running shoes today are more comfortable, protective and durable, but....oh boy does it make life more complicated when it comes to trying to buy a pair of shoes.

Firstly, you must acknowledge that a pair of running shoes are the largest outlay you will have for this sport, so decide from the start that you are going to buy a good pair - don't cut corners, otherwise you will just wish that you had bought the good pair in the first place.

A good pair will offer protection from injury and reduce the occurrence of muscle or joint aches resulting from poor footwear.

Expect to pay upwards of 50 quid if you want something that won't leave you limping around like Quasimodo.

Okay, so I've decided to get my fat butt off the sofa and run around like a very sad fat person.


At this point some people (rather more rash than me) would go out and start jogging, but not me, oh no.....

I opted to do some research into how to jog properly. Best to be prepared, that’s what I always say. Me and the scouts... (not literally though, I’ve never been anywhere near a scout, honest).

A little bit of digging later, Here’s what I found :

Part One : Clothing and equipment

“The most important parts of a running wardrobe is a pair of comfortable running shoes and a good pair of seamless sports socks. These are available from all good sports shops.”

See, already I’m onto a winner. I don’t have one good pair of socks, if I’d have tried jogging without the correct apparel, I might have lost a leg!

Mental note 1 – Go and buy some “running Socks”

“Wear comfortable, non-restrictive clothing. In winter, a tracksuit or pair of thermal tights under a lightweight waterproof/windproof suit is suitable. A long-sleeved thermal top and a windproof jacket are also ideal.”

Important point 2 – I have absolutely none of the above items. I’m about as prepared as a naked bloke up a mountain. This may cost money. I’m thinking about swimming again.

"In very cold weather, heat loss through the head and hands necessitates wearing a hood or bobble-hat and a pair of gloves. Vaseline is useful to lubricate anything that's rubbing, such as top of the legs and nipples etc."

Rubbing Nipples? Easy Tiger, I just want to lose a few pounds.

There is no way I couldn’t stop there and go searching for sites dedicated to “Jogger’s Nipple”. Unsurprisingly there are plenty of people willing to devote a web page to a rashed tit. In fact 17,600 if you want to check. And I thought I was sad.

Here’s one for your reference :

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A676334

Here's another :

“There are two methods to prevent jogger's nipple. The first is to lubricate the nipples with products such as petroleum jelly. It is a common sight during long distance races to see first aid crews holding out huge pots of petroleum jelly for the athletes. The second method is to place a barrier over the nipples. This can be a sticking plaster or some proprietary nipple protection guards."

Did you know:

"Antonio Pinto the Portuguese runner famously won the London Marathon in 2001 with blood running down his running vest from a jogger's nipple injury.”

Dear God , No! That’s just too much information, next they’ll be talking about squatting and taking a slash in the middle of London. I decided to look for something a little lighter hearted.

www.cartoonstock.com/directory/j/joggers_nipple.asp

Even I can only search for nipples for a short while, however, so I went back to Jogging and the problems associated with it.

Exercise - I really am going to have to do something!

I enjoy some sports, most notably surfing and snowboarding. Both of these activities require a good amount of physical exertion, but you just can’t do them everyday after work (especially when you live about as far from the ocean as it is possible in this little country)





I'm going to have to find an alternative and one that requires little or no planning.

The short list is as follows;

Cycling

Pro's

• Good fun
• moving at a speed that means that most Hoodies and feral children would not be able to reach you
• get to sit down.

Con’s

• Tendency to run over small animals
• most likely to be doing this through the winter and at night so would need lights of some kind
• don’t actually have a bike and I’m not sure where to steal one from.

Swimming

Pro’s

• I like swimming
• lots of people look rough in swimwear so you don’t stand out
• most pools try to separate the wheat from the chaff (me). What that actually means is that you can go in to the slow lane with the old people.

Con’s

• Proximity to almost naked old people
• smelling of chlorine
• shrivelling
• it may cost money

Gym

Pro’s

• Get to be inside
• they probably have a pool
• some even have TV
• you get to perv at women you will never realistically have a chance with.
  

Con’s

• This really will cost money
• which you will lose if you realise halfway through the membership period that you were much happier as a big fat pig, those women who you will never date will get to see you in shorts
• sweating profusely, I could go on and on.
• The Gym was ruled out almost immediately as something that people with better dress sense and less mental problems should be signing up for.

Running

Pro’s

• For brief time I get to wear my mp3 player and ignore everyone
• I think I can choose a route that sticks entirely to cycle paths and pedestrian routes, if anyone does see you it’s for a short time as you pass them
• I can get a hoodie and frighten old people and dog walkers

Con’s

• Need trainers that don’t ruin you feet
• Have to go outside into the cold and wet
• there may be other people out there, do people mug joggers?

In the end I couldn’t decide between swimming and jogging, so I chose both. Not being greedy I decided to start with jogging and then move onto swimming once I’d got bored with jogging (I have a short attention span).

The Calorie Controlled Diet (or "Burgers are slowly killing me").

This is quite a tricky one. It’s all about eating slightly less. One of my worst habits is filling the plate, rumour has it that I’m not alone on that one. It’s all very well changing your diet to a white meat and salad diet but if you eat a carrier bag full every day, you’re still going to be a porker (you will just create a lot more pooh).

I am not restricting calories (Oh dear God, no!), just trying to get closer to a recommended level.
I figure I need to be consuming 2000 – 2500 calories per day in order to maintain healthy living.

You can calculate your recommended allowance on “The column.org” http://www.thecolumn.org/how-many-calories-do-i-need.asp
The practice of finding your recommended intake seems to be a bit of a black art, though, so don’t expect too many of these sites to come up with the same answers.

Roughly speaking though if you’re a bloke, about 6 foot high, normal build and you work in an office then you should be aiming at just over 2000 calories. What’s alarming is that I’m sure I have sandwiches that are over that amount. Nice sandwiches though.

This weight-watching site has a useful section on what everything contains in the way of calories. I dare you to calculate today’s meals. Check out the Mars Bar!

http://www.weightlossresources.co.uk/calories/calorie_counter.htm

Being very lazy and none too talented at cooking I opted to choose a few recipe’s that I was just about capable of making without killing myself. For some reason I always end up looking through ivillage “the website for women”, don’t ask, I don’t know. My excuse is that it’s a massive website, full of all manner of gubbins about hormones and cramps and shit.

That aside if you search for healthy meals you end up with ivillage so there I will go.

This page links to http://www.ivillage.co.uk/food/tools/recipefinder

Simply enter your dietary requirements (in my case – low fat, whatever’s easiest and requires little competence) and set the engine to search. My results are in the region of 50, so a little reading was required, but pretty soon I had a short-list;


Monday :. Chicken and Mushroom Stir-fry

Serve with noodles for a filling main course (50p dried type, bargain!)

INGREDIENTS:

350g mixed white or brown mushrooms (mushrooms, whatever you find on the display in Sainsbury’s. I find bigger mushrooms are better since they involve less slicing & peeling)
125g pack of mixed exotic mushrooms (honestly, I wouldn’t know an exotic mushroom if it came up and smashed me in the face. The only one I can think of is the one you find in a field in Wales that makes you fall down and see singing penguins, just me then. Anyway I left them out.)
2 tbsp groundnut oil (once again, substituted for random oil type stuff)
2 cloves garlic, chopped (from a bottle of course)
275g chicken breast, cut into strips (did that, 100%)
1 red pepper, de-seeded and sliced (that too)
1 bunch spring onions, sliced (well one really big one anyway)
2.5cm piece of fresh root ginger, peeled and grated (Okaaay, well that was just never going to happen, so mixed herbs it was.)
2 tbsp soy sauce
2 tsp clear honey(unlikely)
1 tbsp tomato sauce (Heinz)


PREPARATION:

1. Slice the larger mushroom. Heat the oil in a wok and stir-fry the garlic for 30 seconds.
2. Add the chicken and stir-fry for 5 minutes

3. Add the pepper, onions, ginger and sliced mushrooms and stir-fry for 8 minutes.

4. Stir in the whole mushrooms, soy sauce, honey and tomato sauce and stir-fry for a further 2 minutes. If you like, serve with cooked noodles.

Actually, not that bad. Stir fry’s are a definite way to go if you, like me are in to easy food. Dead quick, not too much preparation and they smell good too.

Just one thing, Don’t add too much Soy Sauce or Tomato sauce. My first attempt ended up looking like a fresh, warm cowpat (I still ate it though).

It’s all about the stir fried vegetables. Once they are nice and cooked in the oil and garlic add a little Tom sauce and then add just splash or two of Soy sauce.


Tuesday : Soup (sigh)

Basic Tomato Sauce

Even frying the onion first is optional in this very simple sauce. All the ingredients go into the pot and then cook very slowly for at least 2 hours

INGREDIENTS:

250ml olive oil
1 large onion, peeled and roughly chopped
2kg ripe tomatoes, cored and peeled (peeling is optional)
1 whole head of garlic, peeled and separated into cloves
1 rounded tsp sea salt
freshly ground black pepper
zest of 1 small lemon (optional)
1 tsp pale golden caster sugar
1 large handful basil

PREPARATION:

1. Heat a little of the olive oil in a large, heavy-bottomed pan and fry the onion until golden. Add the remaining ingredients and cook slowly for 2–3 hours, stirring occasionally. You don’t need to put a lid on as long as you keep the heat very low.
2. If you want a very smooth sauce, you’ll need to peel the tomatoes or, if you prefer, blend the whole lot through together at the end (although this does decrease the brightness of the sauce). The sauce should be thick and jammy.

3. While the sauce is still hot, pour it into sterilised rubber-sealed jars and allow to cool. Keep in the fridge until needed.


Well, that sound easy enough, but you in a moment of pure inspiration,
I discovered that you don’t have to do any of that work type stuff,
just pick the carton off the shelf.

Transfer to saucepan
Heat for a couple of minutes
Eat.

Easy really.


The problem with soup is it really does need bread to go with it and I find the best option is a half baguette with loads of butter.



Wednesday - Tuna Steaks with Rice and Salad

I am a huge lover of fish (in the non-literal sense) and Tuna has always been considered healthy, tasty dish, so it was the obvious choice.


1 Bag of mixed salad (go for the cheap stuff it will only go off and you will have to chuck half a bag in the bin)
3 tbsp vegetable or sunflower oil
1 tbsp red wine vinegar (chuck in some red wine too, it gives you an excuse to drink whilst cooking)
salt and black pepper
2 x tuna steaks (per person if you’re me)

Heat a ridged grill pan (preferably non-stick) over a medium-high heat. Brush the tuna steaks with a bit of the oil. Mix the rest of the oil with the vinegar and season with salt and pepper.
Lay the fish in the hot grill pan and fry for 2–3 minutes each side, depending on thickness. It’s best to serve this fish medium rare, so don’t overcook it.
When the fish is done, transfer to plates.

Rice : Buy microwave rice, Open bag about 1cm near top at one side, microwave for 1 ½ minutes and dump on plate.

Salad : Open bag, fill remaining space on plate with salad, cover with salad dressing (not too much though, remember we are on a diet).

More later..

I know my diet sucks, but I like Red Meat !

Next was the food. Out went the steak and chips and in came the fillet of steamed fish and rice. Not that I eat steak every day, although (if I had the money) that would have been nice. It was consigned to the bin anyway.

http://www.bhf.org.uk/questions/index.asp?secondlevel=1164&thirdlevel=1330

The British Heart Foundation give you a good run down (sorry) on what your heart needs to stop from exploding through your chest cavity and onto your desk (Note: I am reliably informed now, that upon having a heart attack, either major or minor, your heart will not explode through your breast bone and land neatly on your desk looking up at you – many thanks Dad).

Here are some of the most relevant points (to a 30 year old man) (me.)

"Eating well has many health benefits. Following a healthy diet can substantially reduce the risk of developing coronary heart disease, and can also increase the chances of survival after a heart attack. What you eat and drink can affect the process of coronary heart disease in several ways:-

Help you to maintain or reach a healthy weight (and so reduce the strain on your heart)
Help lower your blood cholesterol level
Help keep your blood pressure down
Help prevent atheroma (fatty material) from building up in the inside walls of your arteries
Help prevent blood clots from forming
Increase the chances of survival if you have a heart attack - That one !
Lower your risk of a stroke"

Fruit and Vegetables
"Eating at least 5 portions a day will reduce the risk of coronary heart disease, probably by helping to prevent atheroma from building up within the inside walls of the coronary arteries. Fruit and vegetables are also high in fibre, low in calories which will help to fill you up and can be fresh, frozen or tinned."
The Government fact sheet on “5 a day” says that a tin of peas could possibly count as a portion of vegetables, however having 5 tins of peas with your steak and chips will not make you healthy. Rumour has it that potatoes don’t even count as they are “starchy”, so I guess cutting them up and deep fat frying them is a no-no.

http://www.dh.gov.uk/PolicyAndGuidance/HealthAndSocialCareTopics/FiveADay/fs/en

Fats and Cholesterol
"Reducing the total amount of fat you eat can help to reduce the amount of fats in your blood. By replacing some saturated fats with polyunsaturated fats and monounsaturated fats will help to improve the ratio of ‘protective' cholesterol to ‘harmful' cholesterol in your blood and help to reduce your risk of coronary heart disease. "

I really don’t get the fat stuff, apparently Monounsaturated fats are found in olives, olive oil, groundnut oil, nuts, and avocados and are a major part of the “Mediterranean Diet”. If you can make any kind of meal out of that, you are a better man/women/thing than me.

Fish and Fish Oils
"Eating oily fish regularly can help to reduce the risk of coronary heart disease and may help to improve the chances of survival after a heart attack. We do not know exactly how it helps, it may be by helping to keep the heartbeat regular, reducing the level of triglycerides (fatty substances found in the blood), and preventing blood clots from forming in the coronary arteries. These are found mainly in oily fish such as mackerel, herring, sardines, pilchard, salmon and fresh tuna but also in flaxseed, flaxseed oil, walnuts and walnut oils, sweet potatoes, pumpkins, spinach and leafy green vegetables. "

Ha Ha, got you there Govnr’. Upon reading this I went straight down the supermarket and bought a few hundred weight of dead fish. It was shortly after stuffing my face with them everyday for a month that I discovered some fish could contain mercury

Extract from saga magazine

“A 2004 study found that mercury levels in a group of men who’d had a heart attack were 15 per cent higher than those who had no heart problems.” and….

“A 2006 survey by the FSA into the levels of metals and other elements in processed fish found that the levels of mercury present didn’t raise new safety concerns and supported the current recommendation that people eat no more than one portion of oily fish per week.”

So that knackered that one then. One portion of fish per week, that sorts Monday out, what do I eat for the rest of the week?

Salt
"Reducing the amount of salt you eat will also help keep your blood pressure down (under 7g for men and under 5g for women per day). "

Did you know that “Bread is the single largest source of dietary salt. Processed food, such as prepared meals, are also high in salt.” And “A recent study in The Lancet showed that many people could not tell the difference between high and low salt foods”

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/330502.stm

Which is all well and good, but it doesn’t half knacker my plan for healthy lunch of Mackerel sandwiches. If any one knows of a low salt alternative to bread, I would like to know where to get it. No I am not going to bake my own, I’m already far too in touch with my feminine side and no, I am not going to start eating Ryvita, it looks like cardboard, it tastes like cardboard and I’m pretty sure it is indeed made from cardboard. I will of course retract that statement should Ryvita request it, because I’m scared of them.

Where was I? Oh yes mine and many other peoples favourite.

Alcohol
"Too much alcohol can damage the heart muscle, increase blood pressure and also lead to weight gain. However, moderate drinking – between 1 and 2 units of alcohol a day – can help protect the heart in men aged over 40."

Not there yet, and I refuse to give up alcohol. It is currently the only thing worth going to work and earning money for. In this sad, pointless existance, the thought of getting to pay day and knocking back enough of the amber nectar to sink into oblivion is just enough.

This is from “How’s your Drink”

What is a unit of alcohol?
A unit of alcohol is 10ml of pure alcohol. (ooohhh, Meths') Counting units of alcohol can help us to keep track of the amount we're drinking. The list below shows the approximate number of units of alcohol in common drinks:-

A pint of ordinary (4%) strength lager (eg. Carling Black Label, Fosters) - 2.3 units
A pint of strong lager (eg. Stella Artois, Kronenbourg 1664) - 3 units
A pint of beer / ordinary strength ale (eg. John Smith's, Boddingtons, Guinness) - 2.3 units
A pint of ordinary strength cider (Dry Blackthorn, Strongbow) - 3 units
A 440ml can of strong lager (eg. Stella Artois, Carlsberg Export, Grolsch) - 2.2 units
A standard 175ml glass of red or white wine - around 2 units
A large 250ml glass of red or white wine - around 3 units
A small (25ml) measure of spirits - 1 unit
A large (35ml) measure of spirits - 1.4 units
A double measure of spirits - 2 units
A 275ml bottled alcopop (eg Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi Breezer, WKD, Reef) - 1.5 units

So basically you can have almost a full can of Stella per day. Woo..Hay!. It appears that saving up your allowance and drinking all seven Stella’s on Friday is not however good for you.

Rant more later...

Give up the Dreaded Weed..

First things first, I need to finally give up smoking.

Now I know that some people out there will be thinking I’m an idiot for smoking in the first place, but in my defence I was never a heavy smoker, so I managed to fool myself for a long while that a couple of cigarettes a day wouldn’t do any harm.

Anyway, I was clearly wrong, so it's time to knock it on the head.

Sometimes though you just think that nothing could be better than a Pint and a ciggie. This is clearly going to be harder that I thought, but my heart is going to give out soon if I carry on (yes, I am a hypochondriac) so no more cigarettes for me.

I tried those lozenges once and I'm pretty sure their not the kind of thing that will help me. Maybe they've gotten better since I last tried one. In fact they must have, because they just couldn't still be on the market if they still taste of 2 day old cigarette butts and leave your mouth numb. Note : for those of you who are asking how I know what 2 day old cigarette butts taste like, I would like to point out that I have (at least once) drunk the remains of a beer with some in. It was not pleasant, obviously. Neither were the lozenges.

I wonder what the gum is like?

“30 years old and trying to avoid the Grim Reaper”

or "Getting healthy. For those who want to, but know very little about it."

A few months ago (okay quite a few months ago), my father had a medical scare.

Minor heart attacks or major palpitations, I’m no doctor so I won’t pretend that I know the details of it, but what is important is what it led to. My father was hospitalised for a short while and underwent bypass surgery. All went well and he recovered well, but aside from a short spell of caring for others, I went straight back to thinking of number one.

My granddad died at a relatively young age, of a heart attack, and this second reminder of our families’ hereditary time-bomb suddenly struck home. Suddenly the odds of living to a ripe old age reduced dramatically. God only knew what effect this would have on the health insurance. I would probably be less insurable than a chain smoking, bottle of scotch-a-day, stunt man.

Back to the point, I decided that I would really rather not die young (knowing my luck my ticker would give out on the day that I did finally manage to pull the blonde aupair with the big…well you get the idea), so I determined to do something about it.

Being a person who enjoys to waffle, I decided to inflict my woes on the rest of the world.